Wake Up and Live Your Dreams Endlessly

I don't know if you ever do, but I do fall in "love", "like", whatever that is, with someone even for 5 minutes.. Somebody walks on the street, you see him no longer than 10 seconds, that temptation I'm talking about...Somebody tell me please, what is that? A "quickie" love? The biggest, fastest crush? A sudden rush? A huge pink heart shape you desperately want? Somebody you pathetically daydream of how it would be with? What kind of a lover is he? He looks like the cherry on top of a cake you think you don't deserve? A beautiful 10 seconds of a daydream...You feel the urge to wake up, but DON'T! Keep living your dreams, that's something nobody can touch, no matter what...You deserve that cherry my friend, nobody has to know, nobody can understand anyway. Trust me, given our experiences, we're not so fat of cherries, it was all empty feelings of fancy looking whip cream!

It takes over me and I want to share it. I've been having a daydream, it's been a while now, looks like it's going to last longer. Of course I am afraid of the potential I have to turn it into something more realistic than just daydreaming. However; I still don't want to wake up just because some friends tell me it is impossible, and that I am spending my time, playing with my own feelings, that I will hurt myself in the end...So what?! I've been hurt before, by other people. Other people damaged me, injured my heart, abused me in bed, hurt me in the end..I might as well just hurt my own self. It's going to be okay.

By having your own daydreams, that cherry you secretly eat, you are not going to feel disappointed or left outside alone. He will not know, just like eye candy, you're not touching, he is not touching...Therefore, there's no broken promises, no realization that there are substitutes of yours. Simply no promises, no damage, no filth, no drama!

Yes! Yes, I would like to have a relationship with him, but I am so afraid. This way, fantasizing, it's just you and your feelings, it's safer. Only you know how beautiful you are, only you know what you deserve, only you can feel the rhythm in your heart, go with the beat of your heart...Now sleep, dream, wake up, and live your dreams endlessly!

Secret

I can't tell anyone...This little quake in my heart, I have to keep him like my biggest secret. The scream at my ears, I have to pretend like there is no sound. Eventhough the strongest rush all over me, I have to keep my cool, keep calm. I may have sinned, but still, I have to look like I have been praying this whole time. Shhh, I have to be quite, I can't tell him that, I can't tell anyone...

Time doesn't heal anything, it hasn't! Only I know how much my heart has been bleeding, how big the fire is, how much it hurts, how much it truely burns, it burns so much that my tears cannot do anything, they can't put the fire out, they can't wet my heart, the shower of my tears can't clean my heart, it's still a big mountain of ashes. He smoked me...

For the last couple of months I can walk on the street with no shame, because I realize that nothing was my fault; I didn't open my heart wide so that somebody can enter and take the purity away, take the virginity of my heart...It wasn't my fault; somebody raped my heart! I wasn't willing to give it away, I didn't resist it neither, I just didn't know. I knew nothing, I only had beliefs, only saw dreams, only sang songs, only made wishes, called for prayers, I played that "trust game", I closed my eyes, and let myself fall thinking somebody would catch me, I only loved.

I will suffer, I will struggle, inside I can feed this hunger, I just can't tell anyone...So just hush, and keep hitting me all you want, I can handle! I will make no sound, will smile no more, will cry no more, I will not let anybody know. All because it's you I love...Shhh!

All For My Pleasure

I am so tired, so bored of everything! I don't want to bend over for the hope of love, thinking maybe he will want something more than just sex, whereas I know there's gonna be nothing more than just sex, so no more bending over for love, not putting my legs up, not getting on my knees, not putting my pants down..

Oh I will have sex! However, I will, from now on, know that they're all gonna be senseless sex. Well maybe it was wrong wording, there's always feelings when having sex, but what I mean is more like...No strings attached! All I care and want now is to touch his body, scratch it even when he is in me, when my legs are up I wanna hurt his back, I wanna bite his dick for my pleasure, push him off of me when I am done, not calling until I am horny again, because I know, those lips aren't only to kiss mines, they're to lick all over me just to turn me on, those eyes aren't looking for what's inside of my body, under my skin, those eyes are only looking at my body, I know those aren't the arms to hold me when I am down, those arms are only to move my head closer to his penis...

How stupid I was to think that maybe he wants to date me when he was using all the advantages of gravity on me, smelling nothing but beer, saying nothing but "Oh yeah, come on"...Come on? Come on what? You want me to turn into your fantasy porn star licking you from head to toes before I make out with your penis passionately so that it's ready to fuck me like an animal for hours? Oh yeah baby, I'm not coming on! I wanted a warm embrace, not the warm jerk you wanna spread all over me, I'm sorry but I am not taking your "love-shower"...But I will take a shower for my soul, I know the dirt of your pleasures will not go away that quickly, but I will do my best, all for my pleasure...First, I need to erase all those fingerprints on my body, heal the wounds in my soul...just like Melissa P. I will brush my hair until my curls become straight, until those scenes fade away, until my dreams can be replaced, until I can start again...

Up Until Last Night

Up until last night, I thought I would not write songs, I would not write blogs anymore. But something happened! The pieces of my broken heart started tempting again...I thought I gave up on love and dreams of it, but apparently I never realized the hunger in my heart, after many "fast food dinners" I guess I plugged my ears to all those grumblings inside. My heart wasn't really beating, up until last night...

Here I go, I'm writing again! I want to put millions of exclamation points! I don't really know how to start to explain this. This guy who is my team-mate in Volleyball, also he is an amateur cook (which is absolutely the cutest, spicy sexy thing ever) started talking to me over msn. Of course, I always had a thing for him, his promising personality, cutest eyes, being my setter in the team, the way he talks and everything, I always had a thing for him. He asked me how my summer was going, I answered saying that there's nothing special, fuck, it's summer and there's nothing special! Anyway...He said he was with his father and absolutely bored, looking for ways to get away from there. You know, the typical msn chatting. Then he goes on, "I really wanna go to Rome" ...Oh dear! I always liked going to far places like Latin America, the USA, Australia, South Africa, Japan, but really for the past whole year I am more interested in closer places, many countries in Europe. And hell yeah, I wanna go to Italy! So I went on "Damn, me too! I wanna see Rome" ...He quickly started making plans, but I was confused and a little disappointed because he kept saying stuff like "I will search this, I will do that, I will do this". I felt bad, cuz the dude was making a plan on his own! I couldn't take it so I told him that I was sorry for jumping in, of course I put a smiley face...But wait! Guess what he said? He told me, and I'm quoting "I was actually thinking we could go together". After reading that sentence over 10 times, I could not reply to him, too busy flying high over the mountains! DAMN! WIN! YAY! All those reactions people give when they unexpectedly hear good news. It felt like I heard the best news! But there was a question on my mind...

...Was he being just a mate? Did he not have any other suitable friends that would or could actually go to Rome with him? Ah come on Mr. King With the Lipstick, is he even gay?! That question always drives me nuts, cuz there are guys who look heterosexual but you could smell something quite gay. And when they make a move,  you don't really know how to take it, you hesitate how to react to it. Given some experiences, I can briefly say some guys like that are coward, makes me wanna say "YOU ARE GAY, YOU KNOW IT! DON'T WORRY, IT'S OKAY!" I wanna scream, damn it! I know the remedy to this, time, I just gotta wait. But it's really not fair, I hate waiting!

The real reason why I started writing is the fact that I foolishly started dreaming before I actually fall asleep again. I can't deny, I honestly like that foolishness. So many butterflies in my stomach, so much temptation in my heart, I started dreaming again with my eyes wide open. Meeting him in the lobby of the hotel we would possibly be staying in Rome, Italy. Going out to a quality pizza dinner with some red wine. Then, some clubbing with many tequila shots, not quite hammered but quite happy, quite pleasant. Back to the hotel, trying to find the elevator, barely getting in it, laughing for not remembering which floor, them BOOM, he kisses me! I thought I lost the excitement and the belief in love, especially in gay love, up until last night. But last night, in the middle of the dark, the sun started rising again, birds started singing, I swear, last night was actually a sunny day, last night wasn't really full of stars, there was only one big sun!

The Leather Jacket

He could be miles away, but believe me, he hears you. He has to...You love him not only when you see the real world, you love him even in your sleep, you're dreaming of him when you're awake. You're longing for the smell of his jacket, that leather jacket he used to wear all the time, you know the smell of it! Because, he held you many times...with that jacket on him. No, don't wake me up! -Raindrops and "I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne- He really held me so many times, we kissed on a bridge, it was raining, very dark, just me, him, and his jacket. He took it off, I was soaking so he gave it to me. He was taller than me. His hair would touch my face with every single raindrop crashed to his head. I remember the length of his hair. I looked up, felt his breath, we kissed, between our lips we drank the raindrops for hours, fulfilling the thirstiness for each other. His beard would hurt me in the sweetest way, nobody's teeth could ever bite my lips any softer. He was so strong, I trusted him. Not me, he was the King...

He took me by the hand to all those new places...They're now the old places that I miss. I was so young, so small in his hands. In his hands I grew up; became a man, from his hands I fell down; became a whore. I've always missed him, still do. I am so strong now, strong enough to weaken myself when I see him. I'm still 17 when I see him, hear him, think of him, dream of him. I can't even be mad at him. It was so much more comforting in his arms. I want him to be in charge, take over me, rule my world, be my King again. I saw...He became so weak, too weak to take my hand. So I bought myself a leather jacket in the middle of Summer, waiting for the Fall, waiting for the rain to come, leaves to fall...preparing myself to hold him. Hello, this time, I'm the King, to never let go!

The Soccer Player

How come he got to humiliate me in the worst ways possible and still made me fall in love with him? Was it cuz he was so masculine? Maybe it's because he had the perfect smell? Could it be his eyes? Perhaps, his lips? Oh yes, the fact that he was a soccer player is undeniably sexy, right? He was older than me, could that be it? Is it cuz he would pick me up from my dorm and we would make out in his car like high school sweet hearts? He knew where to touch?

Reality: NO! I think the reason is that he kept on making me feel unwanted! The more I wanted to be closer, the harder he closed his doors, and then, of course, I wanted to be even closer than just closer. He broke my code! He figured it out, and used it against me, he took advantage of it, motherfucker! They do it! They do it all the time! Trust me, they do it because they want us more than we want them, they're so afraid of losing. Low self-esteem for a soccer player, don't you think? Tricky bastard!

The sad thing is that I was, in fact I still am, so dramatic that I even liked all those misbehaving, almost everywhere. He even slapped me on the face in a club once, just cuz I kinda pushed a friend of him on purpose and the idiot fell down. Well, he was hitting on my boyfriend, in front of my eyes, looking in my eyes! I had to do that! But yeah, he slapped me, then hugged me...I liked the fact that he hugged me and everything, but I also made a promise to myself. I promised that he will not be able to do such a thing to me, ever again. How sick I was to let him hit me? I did let him, it was me, my fault! That was me crossing the line. Where was my dignity? My honor? Pride? Self-esteem? I am a boy also, where was my penis for fuck's sake?! I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN IT OUT AND PUT IT RIGHT UP IN HIS ASS! Oh yeah, I'm a bottom...

I'm not gonna lie, the sex was so good. You know how they say "the sky was the limit"...Yeah, well, I was so high above the sky! It felt like no other male bodies could match like ours did. His beard would hurt me in the sweetest way, nobody's teeth could ever bite my lips any softer...

Then he sleeps with my best friend...Let me put it this way; he fucked my best girlfriend! Yeap, he was a true bisexual. As if me seeing this with my own eyes wasn't enough, he tells me in front of my friend that we were never together, we never had anything, and that I should just cut it out and hit the reality. That was kind of unforgivable. It wasn't the kind of drama I would like, It was the sickening type of drama, the one that would make you rush to the toilet and throw up between the ugliest words you would ever use in your life! I asked him to just leave, and he goes "You sure you don't wanna join?" Yes, he is that much of a jerk!

I don't talk to him anymore. I loved him a lot, but I don't love him anymore. I, now, know his games, and they're not fun anymore. So, Mr. Soccer Player, you can keep on playing, but I'm off the field, I've already won this war...

Independence Day, Independent Gay!

Same old same. He leaves you, and you end up spending the night with your tissues, that one movie you adore, possibly some pop-corn, and if you're lucky enough you have a friend with you who brings the very correct brand of wine. Because, how come he can do this to you, right? You gave him everything you could, right? Oh wait, you idiot, you tried to give him even more than what you could give someone, right? That..is PATHETIC! Because you know why? He's already fucking with another now! So, please, don't feel so special, you're just another loser. Except if you were a strong one, strong enough to take that ring off, break that promise, burn those pictures, leave that house, change your number, I don't know, find exactly what it is that he thinks you cannot do, and then just DO IT!

Throw away whatever ring you are wearing right now. By ring, I don't only mean ring, whatever it is that keeps you with him. Take it off! You can put it back on, but first answer these questions: 

1. Why are you wearing that "ring"?

2. Really?!

3. Are you earning enough money to afford your own life?

4. Can you avoid being judged by him once you make a decision on your own?

5. Do you EVER think of another boy, just simply having breakfast in London, Paris, wherever?

6. Do you say "no, you're stupid" in your mind when he calls you "stupid"?

7. Are you still waiting for him to text you?

Why are you doing this to yourself? Everybody has a prince charming out there. Why kiss the ugly "wise man"?!

Earn money! Seriously, earn money just like your mom did! So you can grab your Louis Vuitton, jump in your  ride and take off...You don't always have to wait for someone to come pick you up. I don't know who you are, but I believe in you! Let the day you read this post be your Independence Day, the day you don't have to wear any make up on, the day you become your number one, the day that the sun rises for you. Congratulations my friend, you are now "you and you"! I cannot see you, but I bet you make a sexy couple ;)

Not Stars But A Moon

How many times have you fell for the wrong guy? The one that you know he won't be with you..He has another kind of life. "Just let go" no, you cannot say it to yourself, in fact you hold on to him tighter, especially if he's that unreachable. The harder he hits you with the reality, the softer you fall into your dreams of him..I am stopping, right here, right now...No more wishing on a star..

Many boys, you know, the cutest one, the sexiest one, the nicest one, this one, that one..We want them, we "need" them. But you know he won't want you back..He's not even gay! Or he has a boyfriend already! Or he has a girlfriend! Or for fuck's sake he is married! But those obstacles make him more desirable, he starts looking like a star to you, the one that is so far away. You cannot touch him, you know it, and that's why you want him. The kind of star that you are wishing on, even right now. We always do it. But it's about the time to end this. It really is the time to stop it at least for me!

Firstly, I don't fucking need a boyfriend. I've realized it newly. I am good on my own, I am fine. Actually, I ROCK! haha...But if I'm gonna let somebody in from now on, he shouldn't be a star, really. I don't have the time to run after things. I am not letting my dreams down, giving up on them just cuz "he" doesn't share the same dreams. Fuck it, they're my dreams, you cannot disturb, okay? Thanks! I don't want the impossible kinda boys anymore, as much as they somehow seem sexy, I don't want them. I want a regular one, an ordinary, the kind of guy who simply loves you for the way you smile, the kind of guy who suddenly kisses you with no reason, the kind of guy who would say he is sorry because he cannot afford taking you out to a dinner, the kind of guy who is not a star, I want a moon kinda guy. Doesn't it really sound better? No more wishing on a star, I want a moon!

I Am In Charge

Hello the Dead Soldiers of Love!

This is my very first post and yet I'm way too ready to talk about this thing called "love" which also happens to be the murderer of many dreams and definitely expectations! FUCK! Okay, I don't want to sound vicious or anything from the very first post...However, I've failed many times in love..The good news is that I've learned something while I kept falling in love; I've learned how to fall out of it! Now, I am the King!

His name is...well I call him "7". I am not sure why exactly I call him "7" but somehow the number "7" sounds so strong like he is over me! And the number "7" sounds so sharp and it could injure or somehow hurt you, just like he did me! And come on now, doesn't number "7" sound sexy as well?! Ahh he's just so good..

I'm not gonna lie. "7" is NOT the only one! There are many more. Honestly, there ARE many more because "7" was never really there! He couldn't just learn how to hold my hand. So yes, he made the biggest house in my heart, with the family I created in it, and the garden where he and I would enjoy our coffees. It wasn't too difficult, you jerk! But I lost against him many times, couldn't reject him ever. It's pretty much like once you get raped and lose your virginity, there's no harm anymore if you keep on having sex. You're not gonna lose your virginity again! You're just gonna lose what's left in your soul and heart. I've been losing...I've kept on falling in and out of love.

Funny thing is that, no matter what, "7" has been my hero. Just like in that song of Eminem and Rihanna - Love the Way You Lie. It says "But you'll always be my hero even though you lost your mind."

...Now I am in charge!

I'm not on the last page of the story. So we'll see...But while we were turning many pages in the book we wrote, I grew up. I've become a man, a whore, a thief, an angel, and a liar. I shave my face everyday, put my lipstick on so I can leave something for the each lip I kiss. I was always a soldier who dies in a battle and in the end his country doesn't even win the battle; I die for nothing, nothing at all! But the roles are changing now..Interestingly, when I kept losing, somehow, I've become a survivor, moreover; I've become a King...King With The Lipstick..