I am so tired, so bored of everything! I don't want to bend over for the hope of love, thinking maybe he will want something more than just sex, whereas I know there's gonna be nothing more than just sex, so no more bending over for love, not putting my legs up, not getting on my knees, not putting my pants down..
Oh I will have sex! However, I will, from now on, know that they're all gonna be senseless sex. Well maybe it was wrong wording, there's always feelings when having sex, but what I mean is more like...No strings attached! All I care and want now is to touch his body, scratch it even when he is in me, when my legs are up I wanna hurt his back, I wanna bite his dick for my pleasure, push him off of me when I am done, not calling until I am horny again, because I know, those lips aren't only to kiss mines, they're to lick all over me just to turn me on, those eyes aren't looking for what's inside of my body, under my skin, those eyes are only looking at my body, I know those aren't the arms to hold me when I am down, those arms are only to move my head closer to his penis...
How stupid I was to think that maybe he wants to date me when he was using all the advantages of gravity on me, smelling nothing but beer, saying nothing but "Oh yeah, come on"...Come on? Come on what? You want me to turn into your fantasy porn star licking you from head to toes before I make out with your penis passionately so that it's ready to fuck me like an animal for hours? Oh yeah baby, I'm not coming on! I wanted a warm embrace, not the warm jerk you wanna spread all over me, I'm sorry but I am not taking your "love-shower"...But I will take a shower for my soul, I know the dirt of your pleasures will not go away that quickly, but I will do my best, all for my pleasure...First, I need to erase all those fingerprints on my body, heal the wounds in my soul...just like Melissa P. I will brush my hair until my curls become straight, until those scenes fade away, until my dreams can be replaced, until I can start again...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Up Until Last Night
Up until last night, I thought I would not write songs, I would not write blogs anymore. But something happened! The pieces of my broken heart started tempting again...I thought I gave up on love and dreams of it, but apparently I never realized the hunger in my heart, after many "fast food dinners" I guess I plugged my ears to all those grumblings inside. My heart wasn't really beating, up until last night...
Here I go, I'm writing again! I want to put millions of exclamation points! I don't really know how to start to explain this. This guy who is my team-mate in Volleyball, also he is an amateur cook (which is absolutely the cutest, spicy sexy thing ever) started talking to me over msn. Of course, I always had a thing for him, his promising personality, cutest eyes, being my setter in the team, the way he talks and everything, I always had a thing for him. He asked me how my summer was going, I answered saying that there's nothing special, fuck, it's summer and there's nothing special! Anyway...He said he was with his father and absolutely bored, looking for ways to get away from there. You know, the typical msn chatting. Then he goes on, "I really wanna go to Rome" ...Oh dear! I always liked going to far places like Latin America, the USA, Australia, South Africa, Japan, but really for the past whole year I am more interested in closer places, many countries in Europe. And hell yeah, I wanna go to Italy! So I went on "Damn, me too! I wanna see Rome" ...He quickly started making plans, but I was confused and a little disappointed because he kept saying stuff like "I will search this, I will do that, I will do this". I felt bad, cuz the dude was making a plan on his own! I couldn't take it so I told him that I was sorry for jumping in, of course I put a smiley face...But wait! Guess what he said? He told me, and I'm quoting "I was actually thinking we could go together". After reading that sentence over 10 times, I could not reply to him, too busy flying high over the mountains! DAMN! WIN! YAY! All those reactions people give when they unexpectedly hear good news. It felt like I heard the best news! But there was a question on my mind...
...Was he being just a mate? Did he not have any other suitable friends that would or could actually go to Rome with him? Ah come on Mr. King With the Lipstick, is he even gay?! That question always drives me nuts, cuz there are guys who look heterosexual but you could smell something quite gay. And when they make a move, you don't really know how to take it, you hesitate how to react to it. Given some experiences, I can briefly say some guys like that are coward, makes me wanna say "YOU ARE GAY, YOU KNOW IT! DON'T WORRY, IT'S OKAY!" I wanna scream, damn it! I know the remedy to this, time, I just gotta wait. But it's really not fair, I hate waiting!
The real reason why I started writing is the fact that I foolishly started dreaming before I actually fall asleep again. I can't deny, I honestly like that foolishness. So many butterflies in my stomach, so much temptation in my heart, I started dreaming again with my eyes wide open. Meeting him in the lobby of the hotel we would possibly be staying in Rome, Italy. Going out to a quality pizza dinner with some red wine. Then, some clubbing with many tequila shots, not quite hammered but quite happy, quite pleasant. Back to the hotel, trying to find the elevator, barely getting in it, laughing for not remembering which floor, them BOOM, he kisses me! I thought I lost the excitement and the belief in love, especially in gay love, up until last night. But last night, in the middle of the dark, the sun started rising again, birds started singing, I swear, last night was actually a sunny day, last night wasn't really full of stars, there was only one big sun!
Here I go, I'm writing again! I want to put millions of exclamation points! I don't really know how to start to explain this. This guy who is my team-mate in Volleyball, also he is an amateur cook (which is absolutely the cutest, spicy sexy thing ever) started talking to me over msn. Of course, I always had a thing for him, his promising personality, cutest eyes, being my setter in the team, the way he talks and everything, I always had a thing for him. He asked me how my summer was going, I answered saying that there's nothing special, fuck, it's summer and there's nothing special! Anyway...He said he was with his father and absolutely bored, looking for ways to get away from there. You know, the typical msn chatting. Then he goes on, "I really wanna go to Rome" ...Oh dear! I always liked going to far places like Latin America, the USA, Australia, South Africa, Japan, but really for the past whole year I am more interested in closer places, many countries in Europe. And hell yeah, I wanna go to Italy! So I went on "Damn, me too! I wanna see Rome" ...He quickly started making plans, but I was confused and a little disappointed because he kept saying stuff like "I will search this, I will do that, I will do this". I felt bad, cuz the dude was making a plan on his own! I couldn't take it so I told him that I was sorry for jumping in, of course I put a smiley face...But wait! Guess what he said? He told me, and I'm quoting "I was actually thinking we could go together". After reading that sentence over 10 times, I could not reply to him, too busy flying high over the mountains! DAMN! WIN! YAY! All those reactions people give when they unexpectedly hear good news. It felt like I heard the best news! But there was a question on my mind...
...Was he being just a mate? Did he not have any other suitable friends that would or could actually go to Rome with him? Ah come on Mr. King With the Lipstick, is he even gay?! That question always drives me nuts, cuz there are guys who look heterosexual but you could smell something quite gay. And when they make a move, you don't really know how to take it, you hesitate how to react to it. Given some experiences, I can briefly say some guys like that are coward, makes me wanna say "YOU ARE GAY, YOU KNOW IT! DON'T WORRY, IT'S OKAY!" I wanna scream, damn it! I know the remedy to this, time, I just gotta wait. But it's really not fair, I hate waiting!
The real reason why I started writing is the fact that I foolishly started dreaming before I actually fall asleep again. I can't deny, I honestly like that foolishness. So many butterflies in my stomach, so much temptation in my heart, I started dreaming again with my eyes wide open. Meeting him in the lobby of the hotel we would possibly be staying in Rome, Italy. Going out to a quality pizza dinner with some red wine. Then, some clubbing with many tequila shots, not quite hammered but quite happy, quite pleasant. Back to the hotel, trying to find the elevator, barely getting in it, laughing for not remembering which floor, them BOOM, he kisses me! I thought I lost the excitement and the belief in love, especially in gay love, up until last night. But last night, in the middle of the dark, the sun started rising again, birds started singing, I swear, last night was actually a sunny day, last night wasn't really full of stars, there was only one big sun!
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